This blog post will discuss what men hate the most about first dates.
Usually, the first or second date is the ‘danger zone’ as far as UNATTRACTIVE BEHAVIOR goes down. People still screw up on later dates, too, but there’s much more riding on the first date: people are deciding whether to invest.
As a result, they tend to make more RUTHLESS DECISIONS.
A first date is exciting. And most people – you would THINK – would be on their best behavior. At the very least, they’d show up prepared to at least TRY to be good company.
As it often turns out, first dates are an absolute CIRCUS of freaky, scary, downright unattractive behavior. I have no problem with you flying the freak flag, but come on. We’ve got to pull ourselves together and remember what it takes to let someone feel attraction for you!
So let’s look today at the Typical Bad Dating Behavior that women tend to exhibit on first dates.
What are the BIG attraction killers when out on a date with someone you don’t know well – if at all?
You won’t even KNOW the guy from an old sneaker on many dates. You might never have met him before. It could be someone from an online dating site; you could be on a blind date, whatever.
And that’s all the MORE reason to watch the ‘dodgy behavior’ because if this is the first impression he’s getting of you, it’s THAT much more important that you don’t freak him out in the first 10 minutes.
Look: this isn’t about ‘pretending’ to be someone you’re not. This is SIMPLE LOGIC. You have to put your best foot forward and make it easy for people to see the super-hot, super-cool, super-QUALITY woman you are.
And that means paying SPECIAL attention to your behavior on the first date – or else there most likely isn’t be a second one.
This sounds a little self-evident, but you’d be surprised (or not) at the number of people – men AND women – who’ve been dating for years now and who GET A LITTLE COMPLACENT.
They forget about ‘making an effort.’ They need to remember about ‘having fun.’ They get desperate and nervous, and they SCREW IT UP for themselves.
Let’s be brutally honest for a moment, shall we? The world of dating is often a harsh reality. People can make snap judgments (mainly if they’ve been dating for a while.)
And that means UNLESS you’re interested in wasting your time and efforts on mistakes that you could EASILY have avoided, which could cost you a potential relationship with a potentially GREAT guy.
The kind of mistakes that most women DON’T EVEN KNOW THEY’RE MAKING… well, it’s best to EDUCATE YOURSELF.
And hey, at the very least, it’s always entertaining to hear about the awful things some people do without realizing it.
(Joke. Sort of.)
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So let’s have at it then the Bad Date Behavior that could cost YOU a relationship!
My first tip: Kill The Nervousness. (Or, at the very least, the VISIBLE nervousness.)
It’s normal to be nervous on a date. (Duh.) But ACTING anxious – the jerking knee, the wiggling foot, the visible jumpy energy, the shrill laugh, and too-fast
talking – are all GUARANTEED WAYS to turn somebody off.
Think about it. Attractive people are RELAAAAAAXED. They’re not all stressed out. They talk calmly, with pauses in between their words.
They’re not wringing their hands, playing with their rings, twisting strands of their hair around their fingers, or constantly giggling at everything the other person says.
If you’re doing any of these things, I suggest you cut it out because it makes you look like a nervous, highly-strung woman who doesn’t have a good handle on herself.
And the good news is, stopping these behaviors is easier than you think. The first step is NOTICING THAT YOU’RE DOING IT.
For example, I’m a real hair twiddler. It’s a habit that I don’t particularly appreciate because I know how it looks, but it’s a nervous tic, and like any habit, it takes effort to deal with. If I’m in a stressful situation or am feeling anxious about something, more often than not, my hand will creep up to my head and start playing with my hair.
BAM! Before I even know I’m doing it.
So now, whenever I notice I’m doing it, I yank my hand instantly away from my head and then COMPLETELY REPOSITION MYSELF so that I can’t do that anymore.
For example, I fold my hands in my lap. Or start folding the napkin into an origami swan (yes, I can do this.) When I’m working, I’ve been known to grab a stress ball (you know those squeezy silicon balls that are so much fun to play with? That’s a stress ball) and squeeze away at it til it hollers ‘Uncle!’ However, this might not be so appropriate on a date.)
It’s simply a matter of noticing that you’re ‘doing that thing again’ and then making it physically difficult for you to continue to do so.
Tip Two: They May Be Called ‘Mood Swings,’ But They Don’t Belong In Any Playground I Know Of.
Cute jokes aside, mood swings are no joke. They’re not. And yet some women have this penchant for CREATING DRAMA (a.k.a., ‘allowing their moods to swing like nobody’s business’) wherever they go.
I’ve known women who INTENTIONALLY create Drama and women who don’t consciously mean to do it but STILL DO …
And the result is always the same: you look like a total prima donna (hint: not a good thing), and everybody else can’t WAIT to get away from you.
Abrupt mood changes are not attractive. When you forge new connections with new people, you want to be a GOOD COMPANY. Just think of it that way.
How I see it is that many women create Drama around themselves to make themselves more attractive, create intensity, and make a date ‘memorable.’
In addition, they often seem to think that by acting upset, teary, angry, or whatever, the guy will think, ‘Wow, she’s so tortured and troubled and vulnerable. I want
to wrap this woman up in a fluffy blanket and care for her.’
Let’s go into the mind of a ‘prima-donna’ type Mood Swinger for just a sec.
Here’s the equation that ‘justifies’ the mood swings and erratic behavior of the average drama queen:
SHE THINKS: “Drama = upset …
“Guys usually take care of women when they’re upset …
“When a guy takes care of a woman, it means he CARES ABOUT HER …
“Therefore, if I act upset, he’ll have to take care of me, and HE’LL START TO CARE ABOUT ME!”
It sounds wild when it’s written down.
Nonetheless, I would bet money – cold, hard cash – that that is the unconscious equation in the mind of the Dramatic Mood-Swinging Woman.
And here’s the deal: NOBODY CARES.
Really. He doesn’t care about you enough for it to pan out how you (secretly) imagine it might do. Instead of thinking, ‘Wow, she’s come through so much and got over such a lot – what a woman!’, he’ll think, ‘Sighhhh … wonder how soon I can call for the check without seeming rude.’
Abrupt mood changes, erratic behavior, and unnecessary Drama are TOTAL TURN-OFFS.
Know what men tend to LIKE?
Relaxed and laid-back women who are EASY TO BE WITH
That means that even when something genuinely annoying happens – something that might be worthy of some drama – you should handle it with as much nonchalance and aplomb as you can MUSTER.
Does the waiter spill red wine down your dress?
No big deal. Just play it cool. Accept his apologies (and a bottle of wine on the house), make a trip to the bathroom to ‘rinse’ – cry in the bathroom if you have to – and then emerge looking stained, perhaps, but very, VERY socially graceful.
Looking like ONE CLASSY LADY who’s got life in perspective. (Insider’s tip: this is an unusual and HIGHLY desirable combination of traits in a woman.)
And the clincher: don’t talk about it for the rest of the night.
The key is to play things DOWN.
(Incidentally, ‘down’ is the complete OPPOSITE of ‘high drama.’ It may not be so riveting on the TV, of course, but as far as DATES are concerned, ‘playing it DOWN’ is like the GOLD STANDARD of what makes the difference between someone being ‘cool’ or ‘a total boring drag to be around.’)
It’s like Mary J. Blige says: “No More Drama!”
The way I see it, when things go wrong on a date, it’s a HUUUUGE opportunity for you to prove what a laid-back and classy lady you are.
Good. Moving right along.
Tip Three: Laughing Too Much Is Scary.
Look, I know how the drill goes. On dates, men tend to try and make us laugh. If we like them, we respond by laughing (even if their jokes aren’t all that funny.)
This is all fine and normal.
HOWEVER, laughter is usually used as a tension-releasing device, meaning that when women are feeling under pressure or NERVOUS about something, they react with (often inappropriate) laughter…
Trust me: you do not need to laugh at everything. You don’t even need to SMILE all the time. Too much of either come across as sycophantic and a little insincere.
Save the giggles for when he deserves them, and try relaxing your facial muscles occasionally.
And if you’re nervous and can’t SEEM TO CONTROL YOURSELF, don’t underestimate the power of acting out a particular emotion based on your REAL feelings.
So, ‘acting’ cool and calm can make you feel relaxed and quiet.
(Note: if you’re genuinely laughing because you’re having fun and he’s hilarious, this advice doesn’t apply. I’m talking about NERVOUS LAUGHTER, which is different.)
Try to chill out a little bit.
It’s OK not to be on ‘high revs’ the whole time. Nervous energy has a use, granted – it CAN make you seem animated and exciting – but when it’s all bottled up and has nowhere to go, it comes out in some pretty unattractive ways.
If you’re having trouble controlling yourself, try focusing on your breathing. It’s very relaxing, and since your breath is always with you, it’s something that you can do anywhere.
Just concentrating on your breath often makes it slow down, which AUTOMATICALLY relaxes you. (If you don’t believe me, try to be upset or angry when you’re breathing slowly and rhythmically!)
Thanks for reading.