Holding out for someone perfect for you in a relationship can be difficult, but finding someone who meets your criteria and has standards and boundaries is essential. Evaluating your search for someone who checks all box items is critical to a successful relationship.
Firstly, it’s essential to recognize that nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws and imperfections; expecting someone to be flawless is unrealistic. Additionally, focusing too much on finding someone who meets all of your criteria can lead to a mindset of constant comparison and evaluation, which can be exhausting and ultimately unsatisfying.
Instead of finding someone “perfect,” it’s more helpful to focus on finding someone who is a good fit for you. It means looking for someone who shares your values and interests, treats you with respect and kindness, and is willing to work through conflicts and challenges.
Ultimately, the decision to hold out for someone who seems perfect is personal. Still, it’s essential to consider whether the search for perfection hinders your ability to find a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
There have been a few requests from upset women lately who want to know how to heal a broken relationship and get back with an ex.
Getting an ex back requires a lot of self-control, discipline, and determination, but it is possible. You have to know how.
“Trust me, the things that ‘feel’ like the right things to do are often catastrophic to your success.”
If you’re in this situation and you want to get out of it, then read this book:
Today’s blog post opens up a WHOLE CAN OF WORM, so bear with me. We’re going to deal with some pretty gritty issues, like:
Should you settle for somebody who’s ‘almost’ exactly what you hoped for?
How realistic is it to hold out for someone ‘perfect’ for you?
Is it normal for a guy to say he loves you but still enjoy attention from other women?
So let’s get on with it!
I recently received an email from Violet (I’ve changed her name to protect her privacy), and I thought it was so relevant to so many of the issues we as women face in the dating and relationship pool that I decided to write a whole newsletter about it.
Here’s her situation in her own words:
LETTER FROM A READER
Dear Mirabelle, Thanks for all the advice you give. You have no idea how helpful you are to my friends and me for teaching us about relationship issues over seventeen years of schooling. So here is my problem: I just met this guy, and we've been dating for about two months. He is devoted to me and has expressed numerous times how much he loves me and wants to marry me when the time comes. On the other hand, I have been practicing everything you taught me from reading your ebooks, such as leaning back, letting him take the lead, etc. One day, I was snooping on his laptop when I found a fling.com subscription he had even before he met me. I was shocked and upset because he comes across as very morally upstanding, and I couldn't believe he even had pictures of himself uploaded on there. I signed up as a member and added him as a friend under an alias. He accepted, and I arranged a meeting to "hook up for sex," which is what this website is about. He took it, and I was devastated. I couldn't confront him because he knew I was snooping and wouldn't trust me. So, trying to understand why he had signed up in the first place, I initiated a conversation about guys who meet people online for sex and the dangers of engaging in such activities. At first, he seemed suspicious, but soon I diverted the conversation to convince him that one of my friends had caught her boyfriend with a profile on one of these sites. He explained that some guys do it for attention and kicks. I asked if he would do something like that, and he said of course not because he likes me and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. The next day I went online, and he had closed his account. I was ecstatic, of course. Then yesterday, I went back online, and his profile was back up with pictures again! I was so mad and wanted to break up with him right away. Then I took a step back and thought, if I didn't know this, I would say our relationship is one of the best I have ever had in a long time; he is very caring, attentive, and considerate, and we spend lots of quality time together, etc., plus I know he hasn't actually met up with or slept with anyone yet. What should I do, Mirabelle? Should I leave him? I am afraid of what this could mean for our future. Yours; Violet
MY RESPONSE
Dear Violet,
Wow, what a great relationship! You’re snooping around on his computer and setting him up with entrapment-style friend invitations. Telling you he wants to marry you in one breath while lying to you and making plans to cheat on you in the next. It sounds like you have a great, trusting relationship.
First of all, though, glib comments aside, thank you for writing in. I appreciate that this is a sensitive situation, and when you’ve met someone you think could be The One, it’s awful to have to contemplate that, in reality, there’s a good chance that he’s just a complete jerk.
Let me sum up what you’ve just told me.
- You’ve been dating for two months now. Expresses love for you and his desire to marry you one day.
“Incidentally, in my opinion, that’s the first red flag. A guy who’s serious about marrying you doesn’t test the waters by warning you that he’s going to marry you maybe ‘someday.’ He either asks you or he doesn’t. It’s been my experience that guys who ‘warn you’ that they’re ‘going to ask you to marry them’. At some point are trying to maintain the status quo while they get nice and comfortable.
- Something tells you not to trust this guy because you’re snooping around on his laptop. There are two options here to explain this turn of events: your intuition tells you he’s a liar. Hence the snooping, or you’re just one of those nosy, dishonest people who go through their partner’s things to ‘find out the truth.’ But I will bet on the former because you’re not one of ‘those girls, right?
- You then discover this guy is actively seeking sex online and accepting ‘casual sex meetings’ with other women.
- You are now wondering what to do about the situation, but you may think you should stay with him because he has yet to meet or sleep with anybody.
Violet, I’m sorry, sweetheart, but look at the last sentence in your email.
To save you the hassle of scrolling back up the screen again (or flipping over the page if you’re one of those gals who likes to print stuff out), I quote:
“I know he has not met or slept with anyone. What should I do, Mirabelle?”
Listen to me very clearly here: you should not be wasting your time making excuses for someone because he hasn’t slept with anybody else yet (you think).
Yes, I hear he’s friendly to you, attentive, and you spend quality time with each other—but the relevant question in this scenario is a resounding SO WHAT?
So what if he says he loves you? So what if he says he’s going to marry you? I believe in love, the verb, not the noun,” and if you’re not an English major, that means that when you love someone, you want to do things for them that make them happy.
Not things that make them sad, angry, or heartbroken, or they go snooping through your laptop to catch you out in your lies.
Look, you guys have only been together for two months.
TWO MONTHS.
It’s still early days. Those days when you were supposed to be snuggling, cuddling, building trust, and deepening your connection. Annoying your friends by spending so much time together, and becoming more at ease in each other’s company.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing like being plastered with a significant, soggy, cold, wet blanket’s worth of “he’s accepting invitations to have sex with other women” to kill the warm fuzzies that you might otherwise be feeling.
Please understand that I’m saying this with as much kindness and sympathy as anyone can summon up in a sitting. However, despite the service, I’m still totally outraged on your behalf that you’re even considering making excuses for this kind of behavior!
And while we’re on the subject, let’s get something else straight: it doesn’t matter how he SEEMS treating you.
What difference does it make if he says he’d never do something like that because he ‘loves you’ if you know that those words are meaningless because he’s playing you for a fool and is consistently deceiving you?
The truth is that you know, for a FACT, that in the first two months of your relationship—the so-called ‘honeymoon period”. He’s already lied to you several times. Set himself up with an active profile on a website designed to assist people in having casual random sex. Accepted an invitation from someone who, as far as he knows, is NOT YOU.
And those are just the lies you know about!
It doesn’t bode well for the future.
When you first meet somebody, how you act towards them sets the stage for the future.
You already know what a future with this guy holds because you’re experiencing it now. Is that what you want?
IS IT??
But hang on a second. Maybe if you keep quiet about all this and don’t make a scene, and make sure you understand who needs to cheat on and lie to you. And make sure that you don’t ever think about YOUR needs as a person and a woman. Take all his crap without dishing any back.
Well, maybe he’ll stick around, and you can continue to have a relationship. Where you have to go through his stuff to find out whether he’s cheating on you.
But is that really what you want out of a relationship?
Is that really what true love is supposed to look and feel like?
I suspect not.
What you want is a guy who not only says he loves you but who DOES.
Even if he SAYS he loves you, DOES LOVE YOU, and ACTS as if he loves you.
Perhaps even a guy who says he’s going to marry you and then actually makes good on his word. By proving that he means it (the accepted method is with a ring, but a solid proposal will also do.)
Or maybe even a guy who does all of the above. AND tops it off by spending lots of quality time with you, being loving and attentive. Never cheat on yourself or make plans to do so. And you don’t ever have to even THINK about going through his stuff to see if he’s up to something. Because YOU KNOW that he’s not.
A guy who you don’t need to qualify for yourself as being worth hanging onto. Because he ‘hasn’t slept with anybody else yet.
Bottom line: I know it can get cold and lonely out there—so cold and lonely that you can almost convince yourself. That a relationship is good just because he hasn’t cheated on you yet.
(Sorry to keep harping on that line, but you’ve got to admit, it says a lot.)
I know it sucks, more than anybody can accurately express via the written word. When your best relationship in a long time turns out not to be what you thought and hoped it was. in fact when it turns out to be a big pile of stinking lies.
But you don’t want to be with someone who, to be with. You have to turn into Snoopy the Private Eye to ensure there’s no lipstick on his proverbial collar, do you?
No. You don’t. You deserve better than that, and you know it.
“This guy is seriously not worth your time. Get rid of him immediately, so he’s free to have a relationship with somebody who stinks just as much as he does (hint: that person is NOT YOU!).
With love,
Mirabelle Summers
He might have broken your heart, but you can't get him out of your head. He might not be with you now, but you still love him. If you want to find out what's going on inside his heart, stuff he would NEVER tell you to your face. And how to fix it if you want to find out what went wrong (and it's not what you think). And have him begging you for the commitment he would never entirely give you before. You MUST watch the video in the link before it's too late.
